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| I got accepted into AUB. I'm happy. Really, I am. I feel proud, I think. My friends got in, too, so I'm really happy for them, too.
Um. I'm really pissed because of some things. I'm actually feeling really sick and my tummy aches. My head aches, too.
Kat, if you're reading this, email me whenever you can.
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| I don't know why I kept thinking about her today, this evening. And then I kept doing all this research on the internet about cancer, and i felt scared and peaceful and tired at the same time. And I don't know why I'm always so careless about this, and then suddenly I get so pissed and mad and upset, and I wanna yell at her, and I wanna yell at God, and I keep thinking: "This isn't how things were supposed to go."
And I keep getting angry at myself for all the things that I feel, all the things that I always think matter even though they don't. Sometimes when life is good and going well, we don't quite realize it. We only realize we are happy when bad things happen and ruin that happiness. We only realize that some things are unimportant when other things that are more serious happen. Love, hate, fury, madness... they're nothing. Sometimes, some things happen that make us realize that everything else that we used to worry about jsut isn't worthy of our time, our thoughts, our tears. We feel so small and fragile. We feel so breakable. We feel so imperfect, so
flawed, so full of crap, we’re everything that we’ve always told ourselves
that we wouldn’t be. And we realize that it’s okay. We learn to forgive ourselves. We shed. | | |
| You know, for the longest while, I thought that I wanted a boyfriend. And then, when I had the opportunity to have one, I just freaked out. I kept thinking: "Is this what I really want?" And the answer to that, is no. I thought I was ready to be in a relationship again, but now I realize that I'm really not. And... I'm okay with that. :)I said no to a guy who was amazing in every single way. I really don't think I need more proof that that. So for once in my life, I will actually admit that I'm wrong. lol. And that Richie is right. "Everything will happen when the time is right." I won't force myself to do anything just because I'm supposed to do it. I'm just... I'm really happy right now, being single and all. I don't mind it at all anymore. :) I find numbing peace and comfort in knowing that it's okay to be wrong, in knowing that this time, I actually had a choice, and I did what I thought was right. And in a very beautifully deadening and serene way, I'm feeling satisfied, delighted, happy.
On a side note, I'll probably spend Valentine's day with Alissa. :) AND I'M HAPPY! I gotta get her a gift though, and i don't know what to pick lol. Probably something pink. Hehe. Oh, and I robot danced and 60s70s-80s danced with Joe at Sohpie's birthday party. IT WAS AWESOME. Oh oh, and I smoked again. And I coughed again. And I swallowed smoke again. And I will do it again even though I'll tell myself that I won't do it again.
Oscar Wilde used to smoke. :)
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| Hey. :) I'm alive and well. My mid year exams start tomorrow, so wish me luck. (I was talking to the screen)
I wanted something, but i didn't get it, and even though i don't really need it, now i want it even more. And wow so much has been happening lately... I've been cussing way too much lately, i need to control that. lol. And Usher's birthday is today, and i should call her. And Gisèle birthday is next week. And we're supposed to throw this trio birthday party when the exams are over and get drunk and do something stupid.  Or not. I don't know lol. Um. Yes, wish me luck for tomorrow!Bye!
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| Okay, so um. Here's the thing.
I'm a bad philosopher, a bad writer, a bad cusser, and the only thing i can cook is noodles.
You know, the ones that come in a pack and all you have to do is boil them.
But um. It doesn't really matter, because one day, i'm gonna grow up and do this thing the evil guys tried to do in Superman;; get a wave dish and try to destroy random buildings with it. We're actually studying about it in Physics. And it's quite interesting. But then Superman had to go and stop the bad guys. Are they really bad guys? Or just people who like to do things differently from others? Because i think they are just people who like to do things differently from others.
I lovelovelove bio. And i don't want to be a doctor, so that puts in the 'doing things for the hell of doing them' category. I have to go to school soon. And um. we're studying about testicles and ovaries and ADN and mutations.
I think i'm getting deeper. And more adult. and i think it scares me a little. I've been realizing that... there are some things I don’t want to throw away. Maybe because I don’t want to forget the
mistakes I once did, the things I once said, the truths I used to believe in,
the dreams I used to follow so hard, the dreams I carelessly gave up, the
dreams I reluctantly gave up, the dreams I decided were ‘wrong’, the dreams
everybody else decided were ‘wrong’. It's just amazing how one simple thing can lead you to irrational assumptions. I've been reading my old diaries lately. At one point, i wrote: "The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me was 'Muriel doesn't need help.'"
We were playing cards, and a friend proposed to help me. Pamela told him i didn't need help.
The end. :)
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